Family Matters: Resolving conflict

Sometimes, things can get a little heated at home, especially when we are trying to make changes. It’s totally normal and not always a bad thing. In fact, it can be an opportunity to pay attention to the way you are resolving conflict and make the necessary changes to support living a healthier and happier life together. 

This guide is here to help explain our approach to dealing with conflict. We don’t always have to act the same way in every scenario. In fact, doing this may prevent the desired outcome. You might not get it right first time and that’s all right, that’s how we learn and grow. 

As you read through the conflict styles below, have a think about when you might use these styles. You will probably do all of these at different times and there are advantages and disadvantages to both. Is there one that you use more often?     

As we go through the different conflict styles, let’s use the following scenario as an example, and take a look at how each conflict style might deal with it:  

A parent’s guide to resolving conflict

SCENARIO: You’ve asked your child to stop using the computer and have dinner, but they don’t want to stop playing games with their friends

The Avoider

This conflict style completely avoids the conflict and doesn’t engage with the issue.

How the Avoider would deal with our computer game scenario:  

If your child doesn’t come off the computer when you’ve asked them to, the avoider doesn’t say anything. You just let them come down when they want to, avoiding conflict. 

The Accommodator

This conflict style may start to have the discussion, but if there is resistance, then the Accommodator finds it’s probably easier to do the task yourself

As with the Avoider conflict style, sometimes it is not the right time to broach the conflict directly, so accommodating might come in handy. However, it is important not to use this technique too often. People may come to rely on the fact that you will accommodate them and take advantage. 

How the Accommodator would deal with our computer game scenario:   

The Accommodator asks the child to come for dinner several times but they don’t listen and stay on the computer. You end up taking their dinner to them so they can eat at the computer. 

The Authoritarian

This conflict style takes charge and sets the rules without exception. 

 Benefits: This conflict style may be useful when children are younger – you can move to different styles as your child gets older and has more autonomy. This style can also be used as a consequence for bad behaviours, providing clear boundaries. 

Downsides: This style can be rigid and inflexible. If someone hasn’t bought into the rules, they are unlikely to follow the behaviour when you are not there. 

How the Authoritarian would deal with our computer game scenario:  

The Authoritarian asks the child to come down clearly. When they don’t want to, you turn the wi-fi off so they are forced to stop playing their games. 

The Compromiser

This conflict style is all about negotiation, aiming to meet in a place that you are both mostly happy with. All parties will have to give a little and will gain a little. 

• Benefits: This style builds trust and both parties gain something they want. 

• Downsides: This style may leave people wanting more: you are probably asking your child to do something that benefits them or is totally reasonable – therefore by not doing it, both of you lose a little 

How the Compromiser would deal with our computer game scenario:  

When the child doesn’t want to come off the computer, you both agree to 10 more minutes playing and then they will come down for dinner.

Joint Problem-Solving

Joint Problem Solving (JPS) is the technique of working together, to come to a solution that you are both happy with. It may sound similar to compromising but it is important with JPS that you both genuinely feel happy with the solution you have come up with. It’s key to start by asking each other’s point of view and why you feel a certain way, really listening to each other. It’s important that you genuinely think it’s fair. As we discussed when we talked about modelling behaviour for children, young people pick upon and copy how we do things – like resolving conflict. 

Benefits: You may feel less guilty about enforcing rules, have fewer arguments, and your child is likely to feel in control and take ownership of their own behaviour. JPS also allows changes to be made in a supportive and encouraging way.  

Downsides: This style takes time and effort and depends on both parties sincerely listening to each other. 

Important things to consider before starting: Important things to consider before starting:   

• Identify where and when to have this conversation – timing is important. Try to have the conversation before conflict arises 

• Allow each other to speak in turn and really listen to what the other has to say   

• Make sure you have enough time to talk things through properly   

• Consider: does anyone else need to be involved in the conversation?

Creating a contract together can be a useful tool to keep you both accountable. Make sure you write out what you are agreeing to, and both of you should sign it to say you agree

• Does everyone actually agree?   

• Does everyone think that the contract is fair?   

• What are the consequences if someone breaks the contract? 

 Sign and hang the contract somewhere where you can both see it and be reminded of what you have agreed to do. Re-visit the contract after a short while or if the contract is broken to see if it needs tweaking a little or if you’re both still happy with it.  

How Joint Problem Solving would handle our computer game scenario: 

You both agree in advance what time your child will come down for dinner. This is a time that you are both happy with. You have agreed the consequences if this does not happen.  

It might not work first time and that’s all right. It’s normal to have to come back, reflect and tweak the agreement a little to make sure you are both resolving conflict in a way that works for you. Remember that different conflict styles can be useful in different situations. 

Go Back >